Back on Campus…@ualbany (at University at Albany - SUNY)
Last Night was a relief in a sense.
I had been putting off hanging with this kid, but yesterday was his last day before he left for his senior year. So we made it happen and chilled. It was a relief to know he truly had intentions of settling down this year.
Before, he’d been the type of dude who was about money and bitches to escape what he had to deal with on the inside. Now he just wants someone with the same drive and reasoning as he does. He’d been going steady with this chick for a while now, but something made him want to end it:
"She’s pushing things toward a relationship, but she’s still about getting fucked up, and I’m not about that."
Ok. But you’re the one who felt the need to pipe that and cross that line. Now she’s catching feelings and you’re like no. I almost wanted to ask him “What did you expect?” but his answer would have been naive. At least his decision making process shows his conscience is slowly coming back to him.
The old me would have been screaming “I told you so!” from the rooftops. All those times he said I was too timid and didn’t lay the mack down piss drunk finally made sense to him, partially. He thinks that I just pick and choose, like picking two good apples out of a dozen mindfucks when everyone’s mind is fucked. I beg to differ…
I’m just waiting until fate says I’m ready.
Jam and toastttt
My mind has not been well this week. I’ve had a lot of questions about society and where I exactly fit. I don’t. I see turmoil swirling around me and I feel it inside. I just don’t want it to hit me and take my motivation with it.
One good part of my life of late is that I’ve reconnected with a lot of people I lost touch with. Not only have things left off like they did when were in middle school and high school, we all have the same views on character and life. One of these friends is heading off to college in a week and I’ve just been a good person and friend to him. We’ve been conversing and yesterday he just brought something up that kind of made me take a step back and calm down about stuff that had been plaguing my head.
The statement he made was that I’m a rare breed. Being one of the most genuine kids he’s met in his life, he said people don’t really understand that or take me for granted because there are so many people that use others and exploit them rather than genuinely care. Later that night, my best friend said something along the same lines. I care a lot about people, especially those I consider my friends. I may be blunt with what I say at times, but it’s honest and with the best intentions. The last thing I want to see are people make the same mistakes I did and hold themselves back over stuff that they need to just face and deal with.
The positives of being this type of person has negatives just as glaring that I need to work on. Instead of self-deprecating my emotions with beer on my worst days, I aim to actually put my soul into my art. I’ll have to distance myself from all of this the only way I can: Compassion. My goals for this fall are to become more comfortable stepping out of myself and caring for others expecting nothing in return. This is how we’ll end all this selfishness and bullshit.
Back in my scene days, I used to listen to a band called I See Stars and saw them live once. Even though I’ve grown out of that music, there’s still a lyric from their song “3D” that still holds relevance to me:
"When the power of love
Exceeds the love for power
The world will finally, finally know peace.”
My first girlfriend
Was my last girlfriend
And still might be
Back in 10th grade
It seemed innocent enough
The awkward black guy
With the awkward black girl
2 decent dates
It didn’t seem that bad at the time
The next morning
I woke up and looked at the mirror
It looked like I made love to a razorblade
I knew what I got
And where I got it from
I stopped talking to her for a week
Mostly in embarrassment for myself
This caused her to think I didn’t care
And she broke up with me
I never told her the reason why I went silent around her
I still don’t know if I ever will
I keep running into old friends
And having discussions about the same shit
Being an outsider in today’s society
Not giving into the norm
And staying true to your guns
I can’t wait for next week hahahah
— (via giraffevader)
"I wish he never bought that car for you"
My mom thinks to herself
As he jets off for the night elsewhere
With my vehicle meant for classes
"Why don’t you go to the bar with him?"
You mean be his prop again?
So I can be the son my “single” dad can toot his horn over?
The cruelest excuse for a wing man
So I’ll give you a pat on the back Mom
I’ll listen to you talk about your classes
Look over your papers for grammatical errors
Let it all out on me
I’ll always listen
I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you
When I sleep
I twitch through the night
But it’s nothing of my own doing
From the age of 10
Till present day
My father would play Call of Duty
And keep me awake
Gunshots pound of my eardrums
As midnight passes
I’d get up and tell you to turn it down again
But that won’t last
It’s easy to live life so free
When the person next door wants so badly to be dead